The next meal is around the corner

Someone suggested I write about what fears are holding me back from embracing the idea that the next meal is around the corner?  This is what I came up with.  What fears are holding you back?

This idea of “What if I get hungry?” or “What if there isn’t enough?” stems from early in my childhood when my dad decided to become a raw food vegetarian.  I don’t remember a lot about the kinds of food that we ate before the change, but I do know this – as a kid the ONLY vegetable I liked was broccoli, and let me make it very clear that it had to be COOKED broccoli. I do also remember that we at a lot of sugar cereals for breakfast such as Cap’n Crunch, Apple Jacks, Frosted Flakes, etc. 

So, for a young girl who loved her sugar, the whole raw food vegetarian lifestyle was very traumatic for me.  For breakfast we used to eat this stuff called puffed millet, which tasted kind of like tiny Styrofoam balls.  I’m sure I thought I was starving most of the time, because I was a picky eater before the change.  My mom would still take us out to eat for lunch quite often, and I remember always wanting her “last bite” which she would usually give away.  I think I developed a fear of never knowing when my next meal would be or where it would come from, because I probably only ate at school or when mom took us out to eat.

Fast forward 3 or 4 years to when my parents got divorced when I was 11.  My mom did not continue my dad’s new found passion for raw vegetables, so we started eating “regular” food again.  By that time, though, the damage had been done.  We had a house full of children who were afraid of not getting enough to eat, so my mom would cook huge meals, and we’d all fight over how much everyone took.  There was one person in the family, who if they got hold of the serving spoon first, would take half of whatever there was, leaving the other half for the remaining 4 people in the family.  The rest of the kids would erupt into opposition, and we soon learned not to put the food near that person when we brought it to the table.

To this day, especially when I’m eating out, and I know more food won’t be easily accessible, I still have a fear of not having enough and usually order much more than I actually need to satisfy my hunger.  So the fear holding me back from embracing the idea that the next meal is just around the corner is a deep seeded fear planted early in my life.

That fear is still active in my life today, even though I do have enough food, I can go get more, and it is unlikely that I will ever have to depend on someone else for my food again.  Right now, my refrigerator and freezer are packed with food, and I’m not even in town to eat it… but I still have enough food somewhere! 

I think it’s time to accept the possibility of being hungry.  Being hungry now means something VERY different than being hungry did when I was a kid.  Being hungry then meant insecurity, fear, uncertainty, and certain (at least in my mind) death.  Today being hungry means that I’m hungry.  There IS a next meal around the corner, and one after that, and one after that.  I don’t ever have to be afraid of not having enough again.